Humble Pie

Did ya’ll know that when you look up the Webster’s dictionary definition of humble you see, 1 : To make (someone) humble in spirit or in manner 2 : to destroy the power, independence, or prestige of.

Wow.  I do not know if there is a better way to put what the Lord has done to me over the last two years, in particularly the last many months.  For those of you reading this that do not know me I am a fiercely independent.  I do not generally ask for help, and in the interest of total candor there have been many points in my life that it is difficult for me to admit I do not know something.  If something is hard, or I face something tragic my MO is to just bare down and figure a way to get it done and push through.  I just keep going and try my best not to look back.  And while independence does have its place and can be a positive when kept appropriately in check, it can be a little extreme.  I am the extreme.  I will never forget when I got put on bed rest right before Brylee was born, I sat on the floor of my living room with my mom, mother in law, and Mark being basically told that I was getting help and I could either have impute or not.  THAT WAS TORTURE.   

Each of my children has brought a new aspect of refinement into my life.  My precious Adaline grew me up and daily challenges my fortitude, as well as my willingness to be patient.  Maddox helps me not to take life to seriously, it’s hard to when sinks get flooded and couches become diving cliffs.  And my sweet, sweet Brylee the Lord has used her little life to literally destroy the unhealthy independence in my life.  I have been rendered virtually powerless, which is how it should be.  My strength is not my own and I know that, but since she has come into my life it is a daily reminder.  Not only in the physical things that have to be done and taken care of, that I have to have help to get done daily and weekly, but also the things that are literally out of my hands that the Lord orchestrates in His perfect timing. 

The last two months facing my loss of independence has been an almost grievous process.  When you are stripped of something, that has been a huge part of your functional existence, you are often left feeling bare and vulnerable.  But oh, there are not words for when you start to come out of that valley, realizing that instead of being weaker, which is what it may feel like in the moment, you find you have been melted down and reshaped more resound, stronger, and more aware of how mighty a creator you have.  The best reminder we have had of this lately involved Brylee being able to continue her therapy through Baylor.  Most insurance plans have a set number of days that therapy will be covered, but those parts of the plan were not made to cover children in need of intense weekly therapy.  We are set to run out of our allotted therapy days the end of this month, and we have been faced with then trying to figure out if there was a way that insurance might cover more or finding the money to pay $2500 a month for her to be able to continue.  We have prayed, you all have prayed, and with the help of Brylee's therapists and doctors we have been fighting to make sure that her physical future was not defined by a dollar sign. 

 

There were letters that had to be written, calls to be made, and when it looked like we were running out of time we cut therapy in half, to try to buy her even more time until we could come up with the best solution.  After a week of cutting her therapy in half she was already regressing, losing the skills she had been working so hard to gain, and even at such a young age we could see her becoming apathetic and losing the desire to do things that were hard and uncomfortable.  We were literally watching her being brought down, and I can not begin to describe the aggravation, frustration, and discouragement we felt.  We spent so much timing agonizing over this and when it looked like things were not going in “her favor” we finally had to let go, let ourselves be humbled, throw our hands up and say “Lord here you go! Its all yours.”  It does not always end the way you want it.  We have had to face that so many times lately, that I have lost count, hoping, praying, asking for certain results and each time, even if the answer is not what we would have choose the Lord has given us a peace and sustainability that we knew He was still in control.   

This time though we got the glorious opportunity to watch things going so low and then turn totally around in a way we did not even know was plausible.  After all the letters written, prayers prayed, and phone calls made the unthinkable happened.  Upon extensive review of Brylee's case it was concluded that there was a gap in coverage for children like her.  So they made the determination that the plan needed to be changed company wide in order to make sure all children and families in our situation in the future will be taken care of.  You want to talk about humbling, there are not words.  I have said it before but there is a verse I have continued to hold fast to in the midst of this whole process and it is Ephesians 3:20-21:  

Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, ²¹ to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

 

As painful as it has been I am so thankful for the humbling we have been brought through.  It is just like the saying goes it is not about the destination, it is about the journey.  I am loving more and more each day this crazy journey, and am deciding that a little less independence is a blessing in disguise.