One Year After the Fact

For those of you that have faithfully read, and kept with our blog and our life the last year, first I would like to thank you for your prayers and support as well as apologize that it has been almost two months since my last update.  Truth is I have been at a loss for what to say, which for those of you that know me well, you know this does not happen often.  On June 13^th our sweet Brylee celebrated the start of her second year in this world.  Her entrance was anything but boring, if anything her entrance should have prepared us for the urgency and zest she has for life.  I had no idea what to expect the 400 plus days ago when I called my mother, who was taking care of our other two children at the time, in hysterics, telling her that the baby was coming.  They always tell you that your wedding day will be a blur, but people generally recount in detail the births of their children, which I can do with my first two.  I remember where everyone was standing, what we were talking about, what was on the tv, what my nurses looked like etc.  I can not do that with Brylee.  I remember that day, I remember that night being one of the longest of my life.  I remember lying there in that bed recounting every step of the pregnancy, wondering if I could have, should have done something different.  I remember pleading with the Lord in quiet sobs to let her just go ahead and come, so I could know that she was here, and that she was safe.  The next morning when I had her, I can tell you the stories about what happened, but frankly it was all a blur.  I remember when the doctors handed her to me being so confused, because they were telling me how small she was but to me she did not look small at all.  I do not remember our eyes meeting that day like they did with my other two or the warm joy spread over me as I held her.  I do not know about other moms, but I know when my first two were born I was a giant puddle of blissful crazy emotions.  It is that mix of overwhelmed, terrified, ecstasy like none other, and relief to not being carrying the extra weight around your middle.  With Brylee though the Lord knew that would not do.  He knew I would need to not see how small she was.  He in his great and mighty sovereignty knew that I needed to not melt at the sight of her just yet, but instead see her as much larger than her life.  He knew that I would need to learn to expect big out of her, because that is who she is, and who she would need to be.  And big she is.  You know the old joke of calling the 6’6” 250lb guy tiny?  I think that adage perfectly fits our daughter.  She ways in at a mere 17lbs and wears 6 month clothes and she is larger than life.   She is big, she truly is.  It flabbergasts me to see her,  and where we were a year ago and to see her today.  No she can not do the things that she “should” be able to do.  She has seen and been treated by 10 plus specialist, more than 100 nurses, 11 therapist, has been in 3 different hospitals, and when most people in the general populous start asking me questions about her, the general response I get is some form of encouraging pity.  Brylee though, is so big you could not pity her even if you tried, she would not allow it. 

 

I have fought some of the greatest personal battles of my life this year.  Some of my darkest days, of questioning everything I know, everything I believe, who I am, who I need to be, why my life from birth to now have gone the way it has, why the people I love and care about have been hurt so deeply, why, why, why, why, why.  The truth is there are not always going to be answers for my whys, at least not one’s that would satisfy me this side of heaven.  I do not know if our whole family would have struggled like it has, independent of Brylee's amazing entrance into our world, but what I do know is that because she is here, for at least me personally, I have been witness to how much bigger my God is than I even knew him to be.  I would not have enough hours in a day to tell you all the stories of perfect timing, and divine meetings, or the Lord orchestrating perfectly succinct conversations that prepared me for the next step along the way.  Our family has had our feet held to the fire and it has been breathtaking to see that each time it got to hot to handle how he would put Himself between us and our fires, reminding us that not only did He orchestrate all of this, but he is there protecting and carrying us through at the same time.   He knew Brylee would need an extraordinary story, because that is who He designed her to be.  And with each trip to therapy, and doctors visit she continues to prove that she is an extraordinary human being, created by an all knowing, and holy God.  There have been so many overwhelming moments the last year and yet when I look at Brylee I remember the Lords command to Joshua and Caleb as they were about to take Jericho back for their people against overwhelming odds,

 

Joshua 1:9  “Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous. Do not tremble or be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

 

As we begin this new year in the life of Brylee and our family I pray we never lose sight of the fact that our God is bigger than overwhelming odds, our trials, and our fears, and that when we were too weak and broken to take another step, He wasn’t.