Happy Birthday TJ

Today marks two months in the NICU and sweet Teagan's actual birthday.  Happy Birthday baby girl.  This isn't exactly how I expected to spend this day, and yet here we are.  In two months she has encountered death, life, two surgeries, over a hundred needle sticks, countless challenges, and immeasurable victories. I feel like there should be a Rocky montage playing in the background as I type this and recount the last several months.  No sane person ever wants to see their child suffer.  As a parent I truly believe that is one of the most painful things you can experience, knowing your child is hurting and not being able to do anything other than pray and love.  I have been stretched in ways I never thought possible the last two months, both as a person and as a mom.  I have experienced levels of grief that would literally make me feel like the air was pressing in around me and I was incapable of escape, all the way to moments of extremes rejoicing and gratitude so much so that I couldn't put it into words.

I have confirmed in this process something that we are often told but rarely do we really get a chance to stop and see in action.  The reality of what a disadvantage we as adults have compared to our children.  We spend so much of childhood dying to grow up and then we get here and long for childhood again.  What strikes me as one of the most monumental differences between childhood and adulthood is a child's lack of knowledge of their limitations.  As parents this can be a seemingly impossible challenge.  We are often in a constant battle to show our children what they can and can not do.  Teaching them that healthy foods and water help them, while at the same time emphasizing that they can not hang from the neighbors gutter and climb onto their roof, due to the fact that it could cause permanent bodily harm (yes real life conversation) not to mention the neighbors probably wouldn't appreciate it.  When I had Brylee I became extremely aware of the words I used with my children, carefully guarding the idea that while Brylee has limitations that does not make her incapable.  She has spent her whole life surrounded by siblings who, while extremely protective of her limitations have encouraged her to participate full throttle in whatever hair brained idea they had concocted at the time.  However inspite of all the bumps, scrapes, and bruises that this can and has brought about, spend 5 minutes with Brylee and you would quickly find out that as far as she is concerned there is nothing she can't do.  And then you have our sweet Teagan.  You have a baby who was not just on the brink of losing her life here on this earth, was minutes away from it.  Not only did her body fail her, but from everything we can see her brain failed her as well.  There was not a discernible statistical probability regarding her survival.  And yet as one of her nurses put it she is just going to write her own story.

Adulthood and life experience our beautiful things.  They teach us the value in the time that we have, how to utilize the opportunities given to us, and how to cherish a human life.  But adulthood also told us that from a human perspective there was little to no hope for her on this earth.  I am thankful that we are not the ones in charge of our days.  Teagan has been such a powerful reminder of how much we limit ourselves.  How many times can't becomes our mantra, our go to.  We could have spent all day discussing the statistics on Teagan's life, and there have been many an hour spent doing just that, and yet at the end of it all she could not be limited.  No one could tell her that she couldn't.  No amount of statistics stopped her ability to fight.  She didn't know anything different.  There is a difference in knowing the reality of a situation, verses allowing that knowledge to determine the outcome.  I pray moving forward that I choose to fight inspite of statistics, knowing that no matter what the likely outcome could be, there is always room for hope.  Hope doesn't mean that we live with blinders on thinking everything is going to come out all hunky dory, but it can give us the ability to get out of our own heads sometimes and find an ability to fight.  Fighting doesn't always mean you will win the match, but the strength that is gained from it, can get you ready for what ever comes next, and you never know if the next battle is what this fight is fortifying you for.

I love what Philippians 1:6 say, "He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it."  The surprise news to us that Teagan was coming into our world was a shock and a sweet blessing.  Even with the ups and downs the Lord has been faithful to continue the good that he began.  All evidence that we can see shows that her shunt is working and keeping the pressure out of her brain.  Her recent surgery to place her feeding tube was succesful, and so far there are no signs of infection or compliacation.  She also is continuing to show signs of being more alert as time goes on.  She still has a long way to go and her outcome may not look like we planned it to in our minds, and there will be plenty of fights ahead, but I have every confidence that whatever it does look like, it will be good.

Immediate prayer request:

Teagan to continue her recovery without complication, so that she can hopefully come home in the next few weeks.

For the kids, as they are having an extremely difficult time with her my being home.  They desperately miss her.  For our families as well, they have yet to get to meet her and that is extremely hard especially for the grandparents

For Mark and I as we are preparing the house for her to come home, there are several things that need to be done around the house to get ready for her arrival and we have limited time during the days.  Also that we can stay healthy and will have the strength for the tasks we have to do each day between, job, kids, hospital, and just trying to keep our family unified.