Exceedingly, Abundantly, and a Tattoo
I got a tattoo. Yep you read that correctly, I got a tattoo. Now before you start judging me or write me off as insane, or unstable hear me out. I didn't get just any tattoo, there are no mermaids plastered across my shoulder, no skulls on my calf. Just one word, one very simple, very powerful word. Exceedingly. Just that, exceedingly. If you have read my blog over the years you have read a verse that I have claimed, and more recently clung to that is in Ephesians 3:20-21
20 Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, 21 to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.
Those words have captivated my heart since the night I first discovered them. It was the night of Maddox's accident, I was a whirlwind of emotions, fear, and worry and yet in the midst of that evening I found a calm in these words. There is nothing magical about them, they aren't a mystical fix all, but quite honestly they are the best words to describe my life. I don't know what I don't know. We cant see what lies in the hidden abyss of could been. We love to imagine that we know how life would have gone had one thing or another changed, but the truth is we only know our idea, our perception of things. In the midst of trials and grief our greatest desires are for change, for things to be different, the way that we imagined them to be in the deep recesses of our minds. For things to be simpler, less complicated, less painful.
Teagan's life and coming home have permanently marked me in a way I struggle to put into words. Mark and I have been put in situations more than once where we have had to have the serious reality check that our children are mortal; from our first miscarriage, to Maddox's accident, and to Brylee's stroke. Learning in the midst of it all that our children are ours for a season, they simply are on loan to us, but have always belonged to God first and foremost. Those experience's pale in comparison to the moment you surrender your child's life to God knowing that in your imagining you will not be getting it back this side of eternity. Knowing that God's exceedingly abundantly looks absolutely nothing like mine. Knowing I may not get to see what that looks like right now, and quite honestly knowing that His exceedingly and abundantly can send you to a depth of grief that is overpowering. But at the same time knowing that even when I don't know the outcome, it is better, it is good, and it is sweet in a way that nothing else is. The sweetness that comes after the grief when you finally surrender your humanness and God reminds you of how loved you truly are, when you surrender to a life called for greater things than a mere earthly existence can provide.
That is where I am living right now. I do not know why our life has been marked the way it has. I would probably not have chosen to walk through the door of my life years ago. I would be lying if I said it hasn't been wrought with trials and seemingly insurmountable challenges, but through it all I can say without a doubt God's exceedingly and abundantly for my life is so much better. Notice I did not say easier. There is really very little that is easy about our life right now, except maybe just loving our babies. It is hard and we struggle. I struggle daily to stay out of my own head and my perceptions of how things are going to go. I struggle with why did God choose to spare my baby when so many friends are grieving theirs. I struggle to not anticipate the future because the reality is, ESPECIALLY with Teagan I can't. There are no statistics that exists on a baby like her surviving. and on the off chance one does, their function is limited to none. People ask us how she is, and I truly find myself at a loss for words. This isn't one of those times that simply saying she is a miracle feels sufficient. Her life from what I can see is something similar to the parting of the red sea. It is something if you are privileged to see once in a life time you don't forget, but not only that, it is something that marks you and sets you on a journey to something far greater than any human can imagine.
I have seen Teagan's scans, the massive void that is in her brain, and I know what bacterial meningitis does to babies, and yet not only is our Teagan girl here she moves all her arms and her legs, she is starting to smile, she is making sounds, loves to be snuggled by Mark and I, wants to eat even though she cant quite figure it out yet. She does has some vision issues we are unclear on the extent of but we know she can see, and she can hear. Right now on a developmental scale she struggles but is testing on the low side of normal for a baby born on her due date. She is exceedingly and abundantly. I feel so ill equipped to navigate the life that God has laid before us, I see the great chasm that is my failures, but am reminded daily looking at my children that I am not measured in this life by my humans failures. No my measuring stick is bigger, my calling in this life is not temporal but eternal, and I will choose to strive for that. I have been given the massive privilege and undertaking of parenting God's exceedingly and abundantly and I will desperately seek that as long as I have breath to. And at the end of it all whether I am hurting, or always understand I will stand and say, "To God be all glory and honor and praise." I have no greater calling than that.
20 Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, 21 to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.
Those words have captivated my heart since the night I first discovered them. It was the night of Maddox's accident, I was a whirlwind of emotions, fear, and worry and yet in the midst of that evening I found a calm in these words. There is nothing magical about them, they aren't a mystical fix all, but quite honestly they are the best words to describe my life. I don't know what I don't know. We cant see what lies in the hidden abyss of could been. We love to imagine that we know how life would have gone had one thing or another changed, but the truth is we only know our idea, our perception of things. In the midst of trials and grief our greatest desires are for change, for things to be different, the way that we imagined them to be in the deep recesses of our minds. For things to be simpler, less complicated, less painful.
Teagan's life and coming home have permanently marked me in a way I struggle to put into words. Mark and I have been put in situations more than once where we have had to have the serious reality check that our children are mortal; from our first miscarriage, to Maddox's accident, and to Brylee's stroke. Learning in the midst of it all that our children are ours for a season, they simply are on loan to us, but have always belonged to God first and foremost. Those experience's pale in comparison to the moment you surrender your child's life to God knowing that in your imagining you will not be getting it back this side of eternity. Knowing that God's exceedingly abundantly looks absolutely nothing like mine. Knowing I may not get to see what that looks like right now, and quite honestly knowing that His exceedingly and abundantly can send you to a depth of grief that is overpowering. But at the same time knowing that even when I don't know the outcome, it is better, it is good, and it is sweet in a way that nothing else is. The sweetness that comes after the grief when you finally surrender your humanness and God reminds you of how loved you truly are, when you surrender to a life called for greater things than a mere earthly existence can provide.
That is where I am living right now. I do not know why our life has been marked the way it has. I would probably not have chosen to walk through the door of my life years ago. I would be lying if I said it hasn't been wrought with trials and seemingly insurmountable challenges, but through it all I can say without a doubt God's exceedingly and abundantly for my life is so much better. Notice I did not say easier. There is really very little that is easy about our life right now, except maybe just loving our babies. It is hard and we struggle. I struggle daily to stay out of my own head and my perceptions of how things are going to go. I struggle with why did God choose to spare my baby when so many friends are grieving theirs. I struggle to not anticipate the future because the reality is, ESPECIALLY with Teagan I can't. There are no statistics that exists on a baby like her surviving. and on the off chance one does, their function is limited to none. People ask us how she is, and I truly find myself at a loss for words. This isn't one of those times that simply saying she is a miracle feels sufficient. Her life from what I can see is something similar to the parting of the red sea. It is something if you are privileged to see once in a life time you don't forget, but not only that, it is something that marks you and sets you on a journey to something far greater than any human can imagine.
I have seen Teagan's scans, the massive void that is in her brain, and I know what bacterial meningitis does to babies, and yet not only is our Teagan girl here she moves all her arms and her legs, she is starting to smile, she is making sounds, loves to be snuggled by Mark and I, wants to eat even though she cant quite figure it out yet. She does has some vision issues we are unclear on the extent of but we know she can see, and she can hear. Right now on a developmental scale she struggles but is testing on the low side of normal for a baby born on her due date. She is exceedingly and abundantly. I feel so ill equipped to navigate the life that God has laid before us, I see the great chasm that is my failures, but am reminded daily looking at my children that I am not measured in this life by my humans failures. No my measuring stick is bigger, my calling in this life is not temporal but eternal, and I will choose to strive for that. I have been given the massive privilege and undertaking of parenting God's exceedingly and abundantly and I will desperately seek that as long as I have breath to. And at the end of it all whether I am hurting, or always understand I will stand and say, "To God be all glory and honor and praise." I have no greater calling than that.
Evie says, "I love Teagan." This is a lovely picture. I am very grateful that God is able to do exceedingly more than we can think or imagine! And in and through US, even!
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