Happy Birthday Teagan-Confessions of the Called
I walked into my bedroom last night and for some reason mark and I's dresser caught my attention. And in that moment I had to stop and laugh at myself a little and just the irony of our life. I occupy 4 drawers in our dresser, mark uses three. All of my drawers were opened with clothes strung over the edge. The basket of my clean clothes is sitting next to my dresser with a giant mound on top of it. My bathrobe was lying on the floor next to our bed. My bathroom had a variety of items strung asunder on my counter and in my closet my shoes, while paired together, were dispersed in no apparent pattern. Mark on the other hand has his section of things in order, not perfect but organized, and in its place. I am a terrible house keeper. I am extremely capable of doing all that is required, I know how to clean, am actually a pretty good cook, I can iron and bake, wash, sort, and fold clothes, but my ability to stay organized long enough to get that all of that done in one week is pretty much non existent. I am a thinker by my very nature. I love to learn and ask way too many questions at times, but I also over think things, I talk too much and get very awkward in social situations. I can be a total train wreck in my personal life. At least in my eyes, which has caused me to question countless times why in the world,did God choose to give me the responsibilities that have been laid before me.
That question has loomed over me quite prominently the last year. You see this day, 1 year ago, Teagan entered my life and forever wrecked it and me.
I thought I had gotten a grasp on it all. I was smart enough to know I didn't and would never have it all together but I felt like I had a pretty decent handle on things. I managed to survive all the doctors appointments, therapy appointments, I was room mom, we were involved with mark and his games, involved at church, and I hadn't lost anyone.
I knew that adding a 4th was going to bring new challenges, but the basics of how to love and care for a baby, I had confidence in my ability to do that. Even knowing she would likely be preemie didn't scare me, it wasn't my first rodeo.
Then the contractions came too soon, my water had broken but not enough anyone could tell. The labor came, then the labor slowed down, then she stopped coming. Contractions, but nothing else. Then the line in the sand. An emergency c-section that didn't come a moment too soon. Her heart rate was 150, then 90, then 50. She was dying and we were watching it happen. I felt strangely calm in those moments. The doctors and nurses on staff that night, did not withhold anything in caring for her and our family. They wheeled her down the hall so adaline, who refused to leave, could see her, knowing it might be the one and only time.
The next 3 months were a roller coaster. Preparing not to bring her home, then realizing she would come home, but what that was likely going to look like. It was a whirlwind that I am thankful was surrounded by the dearest men, women, friends, and family in the world, who didn't have to but shouldered up next to us and the Lord used to help carry us through. I was a constant awash with emotions.
Then she came home and we rejoiced. She was alive and we were thrilled, but I don't remember ever feeling so lost in my life. I felt so inept to care for her. How did I love her, teach her, care for her in a way that she knew she was loved but that my other children learned to love her no matter what the future brought. I felt like I was starting over again and I was struggling. Holding her, talking to her, all of it was a struggle some days not knowing what she needed and what I could give her. And yet with all of that God still chose me.
I could choose to accept that or reject it but no matter my response it didn't make it any less true. So I accepted it, surrendered, and hopped along for the ride. The moment I surrendered was hard and painful but the results have been so impossibly sweet. Like I said she wrecked me and our life. Her life took what we thought we knew and turned it upside down. She introduced us to miracles beyond reason, gave our family hope and joy amidst other moments of extreme sorrow. Nothing about her life or first year is or has been typical. She shouldn't even be here, she should be my angel baby. What should be a catatonic non responsive existence has turned into a food eating, smiling, babbling, almost rolling over, strong happy baby. She has brought new relationships into my life that have been life changing. She has opened the door to impact the world in a way I could have never done. The call that has been placed on my life as a mother and a person still terrifies me a lot of days, but I choose to be committed to the terrifying. And so every night I walk in her room and pray that the world is rocked by her life. That people see God in a way they have never seen because of her.
And so in honor of her birthday today I challenge you. How have you been called. It may be being a stay at home mom, being open to adoption, using your singleness as an opportunity to minister in a way that someone else can't, is it being committed to doing the right thing when all you want to do is walk away. Being called doesn't mean being perfect, it means being surrendered and willing. Not worrying about the details or even the process. Letting go when all you want to do is hold on. I do not feel equipped for this life, but I am more certain than ever that my God is. Don't let fear steel you from your calling and the life and heart change it can bring. Happy Birthday dear Teag's and thank you God for entrusting the fragile to the broken and making me more whole in the process.
That question has loomed over me quite prominently the last year. You see this day, 1 year ago, Teagan entered my life and forever wrecked it and me.
I thought I had gotten a grasp on it all. I was smart enough to know I didn't and would never have it all together but I felt like I had a pretty decent handle on things. I managed to survive all the doctors appointments, therapy appointments, I was room mom, we were involved with mark and his games, involved at church, and I hadn't lost anyone.
I knew that adding a 4th was going to bring new challenges, but the basics of how to love and care for a baby, I had confidence in my ability to do that. Even knowing she would likely be preemie didn't scare me, it wasn't my first rodeo.
Then the contractions came too soon, my water had broken but not enough anyone could tell. The labor came, then the labor slowed down, then she stopped coming. Contractions, but nothing else. Then the line in the sand. An emergency c-section that didn't come a moment too soon. Her heart rate was 150, then 90, then 50. She was dying and we were watching it happen. I felt strangely calm in those moments. The doctors and nurses on staff that night, did not withhold anything in caring for her and our family. They wheeled her down the hall so adaline, who refused to leave, could see her, knowing it might be the one and only time.
The next 3 months were a roller coaster. Preparing not to bring her home, then realizing she would come home, but what that was likely going to look like. It was a whirlwind that I am thankful was surrounded by the dearest men, women, friends, and family in the world, who didn't have to but shouldered up next to us and the Lord used to help carry us through. I was a constant awash with emotions.
Then she came home and we rejoiced. She was alive and we were thrilled, but I don't remember ever feeling so lost in my life. I felt so inept to care for her. How did I love her, teach her, care for her in a way that she knew she was loved but that my other children learned to love her no matter what the future brought. I felt like I was starting over again and I was struggling. Holding her, talking to her, all of it was a struggle some days not knowing what she needed and what I could give her. And yet with all of that God still chose me.
I could choose to accept that or reject it but no matter my response it didn't make it any less true. So I accepted it, surrendered, and hopped along for the ride. The moment I surrendered was hard and painful but the results have been so impossibly sweet. Like I said she wrecked me and our life. Her life took what we thought we knew and turned it upside down. She introduced us to miracles beyond reason, gave our family hope and joy amidst other moments of extreme sorrow. Nothing about her life or first year is or has been typical. She shouldn't even be here, she should be my angel baby. What should be a catatonic non responsive existence has turned into a food eating, smiling, babbling, almost rolling over, strong happy baby. She has brought new relationships into my life that have been life changing. She has opened the door to impact the world in a way I could have never done. The call that has been placed on my life as a mother and a person still terrifies me a lot of days, but I choose to be committed to the terrifying. And so every night I walk in her room and pray that the world is rocked by her life. That people see God in a way they have never seen because of her.
And so in honor of her birthday today I challenge you. How have you been called. It may be being a stay at home mom, being open to adoption, using your singleness as an opportunity to minister in a way that someone else can't, is it being committed to doing the right thing when all you want to do is walk away. Being called doesn't mean being perfect, it means being surrendered and willing. Not worrying about the details or even the process. Letting go when all you want to do is hold on. I do not feel equipped for this life, but I am more certain than ever that my God is. Don't let fear steel you from your calling and the life and heart change it can bring. Happy Birthday dear Teag's and thank you God for entrusting the fragile to the broken and making me more whole in the process.
Teagan Joy 1 week old
Teagan Joy 1 Year old
NICU Reunion 2017 Dr Santiago and Andy our RT
NICU Reunion 2017 Our RT's Keely and Michelle
My friend and cofounder of Leighton's Gift at march of Dimes
Getting ready for March of Dimes
Marching for NICU Mircales on Earth and in Heaven
On Earth
Jaxon
Kamryn
Liam L.
Ellison
Daxton
Brylee
Teagan
Ian
Brooklyn
Isaiah
In Heaven
Leighton Sophie Taylor
Libby Kate
Babies Bailey-Luke
Baby Taylor
Ava
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TEAGAN
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